I optimise myself at every turn and every moment
Wondering often if this is really a normal way to be…
To occupy a hyper aware, hyper sensitive state of being
Where the only concern in this ephemeral life
Is what people think of you.
The only fearsome, fret-worthy foe
Is how I’m perceived by anybody I cross paths with.
I feel desperate for vacancies under Beauty’s wing to open up
I tell her i’ll mold to anything you want me to be
Just make me the kind of pretty that’s universally acknowledged.
That’s impossible, she replies
And I don’t even dispute it, because I know it to be true
Yet I pound my fists against the wall and stomp my feet
Then why hasn’t my brain got the memo, I cry
Tears crawling down my cheeks like two Olympic sprinters
And I’m screaming now because how has one part of my chemical makeup
Not got the memo
While the rest is quick to accept.
I know nothing good can come of this conversation
Yet I still end up inviting Beauty into a meeting room every other day
To plead and beg for the impossible.
She charges me for her time and I leave with a bill the size of a jumbo jet
It gets paid in instalments
Which means I never reach the point of being debt free
Because this loop goes on forever.
Tag: self esteem
Avoidance behaviours
My narrative is a series of shoulds and should nots
I shouldn’t be afraid of the things I fear
And I should be more ballsy, more ebullient
I shouldn’t need help
I should be able to untangle all of this myself
A very intricate and unforgiving
Cats cradle of “threat”
The brain is an unkind, messy, gelatinous lump
That’s ingeniously cruel
Like Hannibal Lecter.
I take myself off to parks
Remove myself from these four walls
Sip lattes I can’t afford whilst mulling over these shoulds and should nots.
At least when working, theres no space to think
No need to dwell and torture and yell
At your insides as though they were naughty children
With their Ribena-stained lips and
Mud-caked fingers.
When the day is bulging and fully occupied
Fronted by a “no vacancies” sign
There’s little time for grumbling
Everything’s poised on the edge of eruption
Full and tiring
But when the days off clump together
Like hairs in a drain
The mind starts to melt
Fog throws itself over everything
Like an invisibility cloak
Enveloping, suffocating
Darkness inflates like a balloon
It covers all the corners and climbs into crevices
It fills its boots with the pure air
And stomps away with it
There’s gorgeousness in everything
But today I am blind to it
Blind to everything except myself.
The expectations we place on ourselves
Why don’t you loosen the reins
A gentle tug to prompt
Purpley, sunburnt
Sooty shackles to the ground.
Why don’t you lower the bar
Before it slices your head clean off
Making you wander
Like some mad headless chicken.
Why don’t you point the gun down
So your temples can stop
Throbbing
And your glands
Can start acting up.
Why don’t you let your smile fade
Take it off like boots after a hard
Day’s grind
Slip sweaty socks off
And leave them on the landing
Feel your gums breath again
Feel your teeth
Whisper thank you.
Sensible bodies
You used to make me feel like I couldn’t dress myself
Like every piece of clothing lurking in my wardrobe
Wasn’t fit for purpose
You swatted away every pairing I attempted
Frustration etched across your face, thick like butter
And marinating your tone
‘Of course that doesn’t go with that’
‘Gosh you’re useless’
‘Let me do it for you’
Choice escaped me, driving off
In a sedan car, roof open, wind tugging at carefree hair
Because no matter what I chose, you would berate me
Belittle me
Bemuse me
And suggest your idea was better
You made me feel like I couldn’t dress myself
Like every attempt I made was childlike
Like everything I picked when we went shopping
Was five years my junior
The result is a current questioning of everything I buy
From the t shirts to the shoes
To the dresses to the playsuits
I feel incapable of dressing myself
And knowing what looks good
Even when parcels from far-flung places arrive at the door
And I unwrap exasperated, excited
There’s something I’ve ordered that you dislike
And you’ll tell me, naturally
Why keep quiet after all these years
Why stop licking the nettle
Why stop hammering at my self-esteem
I can deal with the bile, the upchuck, the name-calling
Better than I used to
But it still stings like chlorine
And lingers like burnt toast
Gurgling in the pit of my stomach
Until the next parcel arrives.
talking to my pillow. 