You used to make me feel like I couldn’t dress myself
Like every piece of clothing lurking in my wardrobe
Wasn’t fit for purpose
You swatted away every pairing I attempted
Frustration etched across your face, thick like butter
And marinating your tone
‘Of course that doesn’t go with that’
‘Gosh you’re useless’
‘Let me do it for you’
Choice escaped me, driving off
In a sedan car, roof open, wind tugging at carefree hair
Because no matter what I chose, you would berate me
Belittle me
Bemuse me
And suggest your idea was better
You made me feel like I couldn’t dress myself
Like every attempt I made was childlike
Like everything I picked when we went shopping
Was five years my junior
The result is a current questioning of everything I buy
From the t shirts to the shoes
To the dresses to the playsuits
I feel incapable of dressing myself
And knowing what looks good
Even when parcels from far-flung places arrive at the door
And I unwrap exasperated, excited
There’s something I’ve ordered that you dislike
And you’ll tell me, naturally
Why keep quiet after all these years
Why stop licking the nettle
Why stop hammering at my self-esteem
I can deal with the bile, the upchuck, the name-calling
Better than I used to
But it still stings like chlorine
And lingers like burnt toast
Gurgling in the pit of my stomach
Until the next parcel arrives.
talking to my pillow. 