Happy birthday Mum.

I don’t need a car, a job, a husband, a dog

I just need my mum, she says.

24 and staring at the floor

Kicking my feet like a wannabe Dorothy

Kansas why’d ya leave me sore?

24 and needing a cuddle

Brain is just a jumbo muddle

Curse you, Mum, for being the best

Just look at the monstrous bar you set!

Gimme shelter, said the Stones

Well I agree, I need my home

Nothing bad ever happens there

The kids all dance without a care.

Mum, please carry me in your pocket

Whisk me off to Marks and Sparks

Spend those pennies, park the car

See pensioners fight over frilly bras

Chicken breasts and caviar.

24 and kicking my feet,

You’ll never be rid

Of this big-ass baby.