You’re bright and flexible
like a glow stick
how strange it is
to be enjoying the journey
the part most people want to skip
the part people lose their heads about
panicking
screaming thoughts into pillows
spilling questions into Reddit’s holes
– not me
and yet today marks the first day
we haven’t texted
in more than a month
we’ve been on this cycle
like a haunted washing machine
since the day you added my number
– this spin cycle didn’t feel like
it was going to end
but it has
and now i’ve only to hang out
the clothes to dry
let the moisture evaporate
like piss on a hot tin roof
strip back the fabrics
until they’re mere fibres.
Assessing the damage
– could i be doing it
for the chase?
might i have refrained from messaging
because i have nothing to say
– could it be a test?
or maybe you’re on a date
and maybe i’m on a date
and we’re both rocking
on somebody else’s genitals
(i’m not. i’m in my pyjamas
banned from the living room
hiding from stranger things spoilers)
you: probably reading or running
or wondering about me
– not feeling like chasing?
that’s fine.
i remind myself i’ve given away
a part of me to you
provided you with a swipe card
chipped off a chunk of my soul
and my body and handed it
to you like a piece of late homework
the lucky recipient of a quivering
maladjusted morsel of a girl
who doesn’t receive many guests
who is open for business once a year
whose tectonic plates rumble daily
(but rumbled by themselves
never shaken by another)
you have a small part of me
which i hardly ever give out
like those rarest of pokemon
those rare droplets of rain on Gran Canaria
those times my great uncle
digs a hand in his pocket
and buys us a meal
those moments on the tube
when i feel sweat-free
those days when i can actually
look at myself in the mirror
without wincing
and so it’s not to be sneezed at
this gifting malarkey
but i’m happy with my recipient
this tadpole i plucked
from the dating pool lucky dip
– i’m happy with my choice
even if it ends poorly
and leaves my heart sore
(or soar?)
because semantics make quite a difference.
talking to my pillow. 